


Halcyon Days

by feedingtheflames



Category: Twelfth Night - Shakespeare
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 09:25:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6848824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feedingtheflames/pseuds/feedingtheflames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Antonio's reflection at the end of the play.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Halcyon Days

It seems that I am destined to live a lonely existence. Barren. Stuck. Imprisoned. After all, there’s nothing more that I deserve, no happy ending. What made me believe that I stood a chance for redemption? For freedom? The hope and care (the love) that clouded my judgement had swayed me; curtains covered my eyes rendering me blind.

I never stood a chance.

Bile rises in my throat, a deep sense of bitterness edges its way into my very core. Perhaps it was already there, steadily growing once Seba- I can’t help but pace the dark and filthy cell, and when I pummel my fist into the cold hardness of the hastily made stone wall a crack reverberates into the eerie silence. The pain is excruciating. Enough of this moping, I tell myself, enough of this sickened sadness. There has to be something I can do to get over this. 

Oh the humiliation and anger I felt on being arrested and beseeching Sebastian’s twin for help, only to be repaid with genuine confusion and a claim that she didn’t know me by voice or any feature, has long passed. How could I not tell apart Sebastian from every other insignificant face? And I had believed that I knew him. Guilt suddenly takes a hold of me; he probably thought that he knew me too; dear sweet Sebastian had not a single clue of my criminal past. 

But he knows now, and there’s nothing I can do to change what the fates have decided for us. Maybe it’s for the best, Lord Orsino will settle down with Sebastian’s sister, Viola, and the boy will reside with Lady Olivia, the four will happily live their lives together, balance and harmony working in their favour. As for Malvolio, I feel nothing but pity for him...although I did not know him personally – I too know how it is to yearn for someone so out of reach. I hope that he finds peace elsewhere, as his presence would disrupt the peace that settles where my loved one dwells.

Now that I think about it - I glance down at my hand and look over the torn skin, the pain acting as some sort of calming draught to the raging inferno of emotion – if I truly lo- care for Sebastian his happiness should be my happiness. And he is happy indeed, as he has found a home, a wife, reunited once again with his sister. I wish I could reflect back such happiness. But, how could I? All I ever dream of is being with him, I loved the way he came to depend on me, living in my humble abode, it was perfect.  
But all good things come to an end; the truth is now in the open, I now know his true name, his true drive: Viola, who he had immediately striven to find when he recovered from his injuries. As I waste away in this prison, I can’t help but wonder what the events would be like if she had been consumed by the fierce waters. 

Without Viola, Lady Olivia would not have been seduced by her masquerade, her fascination for such feminine ‘masculinity’ and Viola’s easy going charm and confidence surely paved the way for Sebastian, as the boy does not have the social attributes his sister has. Lord Orsino would not be aware of my presence, being far too busy with winning Lady Olivia over, who in return would have no distractions, there would be the fact that I would be able to keep away from the Lord’s line of sight and Sebastian, beautiful loving Sebastian, would have been mine. He would not have had a reason to go within range of Illyria.

I cannot help but let out a sigh, as my wistful fantasy fades.

There is no use to longing for what might have been. What runs through my mind does not change the fact that the one person who made me feel alive, who filled me with utter joy – is now married, happy and comfortable. It is far too late to fantasise of moments that can’t be rewritten, the present is the way things are, and I know there’s absolutely no chance of a change in my favour. It still makes my heart sting and crack, though, because from what I could tell, Sebastian does not miss my absence. It appears that I have been forgotton. Whatever memories he and I shared with one another have been pushed aside without a second thought.

It’s quite apparent that he no longer returns my affections.

The bitterness rears its ugly head once again.

“Perhaps it was already there, steadily growing once Sebastian only had eyes for his Olivia"


End file.
